As someone whose literal job is essentially to think and write about sex all day (tough work, but someone’s gotta do it, y’know?) I spend a lot of time asking people questions about sex—including my own sexual partners, both current and (potentially) future. Why? Because asking questions, as they say, is a good way to find things out—things like, oh, IDK, what someone likes in bed, how they feel about foot stuff, and what fantasies they have on replay in their spank bank. And also because it’s a hell of a lot of fun.
Not only is a spicy little game of 20 Questions a good way to get everyone nice and horned up (trust me, it’s basically verbal foreplay), but it’s also a great way to get to know a new partner or deepen your bond with a current one—no matter how long you’ve been together.
“Asking your partner intimate questions will give you information to enhance your sex life,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, a sex expert for Lelo and author of Becoming Cliterate and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. “It will help you learn what your partner finds erotic, and will also help you share the same.”
More From Cosmopolitan
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Communication is key when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship—and, yes, that includes a healthy sex life. Yes, we’ve all heard it a thousand times, but it’s simply the damn truth. As sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sex and relationships expert for Womanizer, explains, “Ongoing communication improves understanding, deepens connection, and leads to hotter sex.” All good things, no?
Of course, we all know that talking is hard. And talking about sex can be even harder—especially with someone new or when your sex life is not exactly thriving and vibing. One easy way to take some of the pressure off and get the conversation rolling? Trading sexy questions with your partner. It basically turns what might otherwise feel like relationship homework into a game—one you can play in person, over the phone, or via text (in what will almost definitely turn into a steamy sexting sesh, JFYI).
Not only can sharing sexy questions make it easier to loosen up and start talking ~intimately~, but it can also open the door to bigger (v important!) discussions about boundaries, desires, fantasies, and even sexual health and safety. “When you ask questions that lead to meaningful conversations, you’ll better understand not only what your partner is into, but why they may be drawn to specific acts, fantasies, scenarios, and feelings,” says O’Reilly. In short, these Qs hold the key to a whole bunch of super crucial info you should know and understand about a partner in order to co-create the healthy, horny sex life of your dreams.
Hence why we went ahead and came up with 150 (no more, no less!) sexy questions to ask your partner. Whether you’re looking to sexually sus out a new fling, connect more deeply with your current person, or turn up the heat with a little verbal foreplay, these sexy sex questions are bound to get you and your partner talking (and probably more than *just* talking, if you catch our drift).
1. Have you ever had a threesome?
Sure, this question can be answered with a “yes” or a “no,” but let me assure you, it’s never that simple. Posing this Q to your partner this can help you gauge whether they a) have had a threesome, b) would be interested in having a threesome in the future, and c) had a poor experience having a threesome.
It opens up the conversation for lots of follow-up like “How was that threesome initiated?”, “Do you ever fantasize about having a threesome with me?”, and “Do you prefer MMF or FFM or FFF or MMM or what?”
2. Do you have any fetishes?
Unfortunately, there’s still quite a bit of (totally BS) shame and stigma surrounding kinks and fetishes. This question is a great way to let your partner know they’re in the judgment-free zone when it comes to sharing their not-so-vanilla proclivities.
These labels are typically used in queer sex and/or kink dynamics to denote whether someone likes to penetrate/dominate (top) or be penetrated/dominated (bottom). “Vers,” which is interchangeable with “switch” in Dom/sub dynamics, refers to someone who is interested in both roles. Ironing out everyone’s preferred roles is definitely important if queer and/or kinky sex is potentially on the menu!
4. What’s a weird thing that makes you horny?
Not in any kind of kink-shamey way where weird = bad, obvs. I’m talking quirky- and/or unexpected-weird. What random, not particularly sexy TV show did you masturbate to the other day? Do you always get horny on the bus (hi, it’s me). Does discussing some obscure philosophical concept or a niche genre of erotic fan fiction do it for you? That kinda thing.
5. What’s a non-sexual body part that turns you on?
Yes, we all know about the standard erogenous zones. But in case you missed it, pretty much any part of the body can be an arousal trigger. (Ahem, ever heard of a philtrum?) Ask them to spill their secret, unexpected hot spots and unlock a whole new way to turn them on.
6. How often do you masturbate?
I cannot stress this enough: You should feel comfortable talking about masturbation with your partner! It shouldn’t be some weird, awkward secret! Solo play is a *huge* part of most people’s sex lives, so if you’re also part of that person’s sex life, it should be something you can be open about. Not only can this Q provide a peek into what your person is packing in terms of their sex drive, but it’s also just kinda fun to compare notes. Do they rub one out every night before bed or every morning when they wake up like clockwork? Do they wait for the mood to strike? Only one way to find out!
7. Can I watch you touch yourself?
Watching a partner get themselves off can be extremely hot—and extremely educational. It’s basically a personal tutorial on how they like to be touched. This question alone can be a huge turn on, especially if your person has an exhibitionist streak.
8. Do you want to watch me touch myself?
All of the above, but, you know, vice versa.
9. What’s a technically non-sexual thing that turns you on?
I like to call these, “vanilla kinks.” A few of mine: when guys leave their glasses on during sex, prominent Adam’s apples, and guys who wear necklaces (preferably of the religious variety) under their clothes. These weird little sexual quirks are basically the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae that is our unique sexual makeup, and they’re often pretty damn endearing, BTW.
10. How do you feel your relationship to your sexuality has evolved since you started having sex?
Not to sound all cliche or whatever, but our sex lives and sexual identities are a journey. Chances are, your relationship to sex and to yourself as a sexual being has probably changed significantly since your first hookup in your high school boyfriend’s car. Views change, attitudes change, turn-ons and kinks change, and this question can help provide a window into who your partner is in bed today, and how they got that way.
11. Does voyeurism turn you on?
“Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist, previously told Cosmopolitan. This could look like enjoying seeing your partner masturbate in front of you, wanting to see your partner with another person, wanting to “look, but don’t touch” while your partner is in the shower, etc. Asking your partner how they feel about watching can help you see whether this is something you’d like to explore together in the future.
12. Does exhibitionism turn you on?
Now to the flip side of voyeurism: exhibitionism. Clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, sexuality and relationship expert for SexToyCollective.com, previously told Cosmopolitan that “exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others.” Maybe you didn’t know there was an actual word for enjoying being the center of attention or thriving off of your partner’s horniness, but there is—and it’s v common.
13. What’s one myth about sex you believed as a kid/teen?
Can’t get pregnant in a hot tub? Masturbation will make you go blind? There are about a million of them, and yes, most of them are rooted in sex-shamey stereotypes and the abysmal state of sex-ed in this country. BUT, reminiscing on the silly sexual misconceptions of our youth is A) funny and B) offers a refreshing glimpse at just how far we’ve come since middle school.
14. What’s the hottest sext you’ve ever received?
And how does it compare to these ones?
15. Do you prefer sexting, phone sex, or FaceTime sex?
We live in a brave new world of remote sex options. Personally, I’m partial to the classic sext, but an old-school phone sex sesh does have its charms.
16. Have you ever regretted a sexual encounter?
This question may sound like kind of a bummer, but hear me out. Bad sex is as much a part of our sex lives as good sex, and how we respond to it says a lot about where we are in our journey to understanding ourselves as sexual beings, and all the flaws that come with that. This question is an invitation for you and your partner to reflect on your respective sexual histories, which is a huge part of learning and growing as sex-having individuals, and as a sex-having couple.
17. When did you start masturbating?
Some of us have been getting ourselves off for as long as we can remember, and some of us didn’t start masturbating until after we’d already had partnered sex. (Hi, it’s me.) The point is, everyone has a unique history when it comes to self-pleasure, and those experiences can tell you a lot about someone’s relationship to their sexuality and the ways that relationship has evolved.
18. Are you horny?
Just wondering! (And if the answer is yes, hopefully they take this question as an open invitation to show, not tell.)
19. Have you ever had a sexual experience that changed your attitude or perspective on sex and sexuality in some way?
Maybe they had a life-changing one-night stand that changed their tune on casual sex, or maybe a relationship with a kinkier partner unleashed some hidden desires they didn’t know they had. The point is, our sexual encounters—whether good, bad, kinky, vanilla, etc.—shape us. Learning about how your partner’s sexual history shaped them can help you better understand the views and values they bring to the bedroom today.
20. What’s a sex thing from high school you think we should bring back?
Car sex? Hickeys? Dry humping? Marathon makeout sessions? Listen, adolescence was probably not the best of times for anyone’s sex life, but there are some oldies but goodies from back in the day that are worth dusting off from time to time.
21. What are your thoughts on sex work?
Have they ever paid for sex? Have they ever been paid for sex? Would they consider paying for sex? FYI, sex work is MUCH more common than you think, and someone’s experiences with and attitudes toward sex work and sex workers can tell you a lot them. (Namely, whether or not they’re a whorephobic POS who you should probably get as far away from as possible.)
22. What are some things on your “maybe” list?
The “maybe” section of anyone’s Yes/No/Maybe list is perhaps the most interesting part, and the one most ripe for discussion. What are some things they’re potentially open to trying out in bed, but not 100% sold on and why? This is a great, low-pressure opportunity to start talking about boundaries, how they’re formed, and how they may or may not change over time, all in a low-pressure, low-stakes environment.
23. What time of day are you horniest?
Do they wake up ready to go, or do they prefer the slow-build simmer of waiting till nighttime? Would they rather have a midday quickie or a midnight romp?
24. Have you ever had sex in public?
It’s a classic sex question, and while it may seem like a pretty basic yes-or-no inquiry, everyone who’s done it has a story, and everyone who hasn’t has a reason why.
25. Have you ever gotten caught having sex?
…And was it kinda hot? Just wondering!
26. Have you ever gotten caught masturbating?
…And was *that* kind of hot? Okay, I’ll stop.
27. What are your hard boundaries?
In other words, is there anything you absolutely do not want someone to do? This kicks off a healthy conversation about consent that is absolutely vital before engaging in any type of hooking up. And if you don’t know what you may or may not be into, fill out a “Yes, No, Maybe” list by yourself, then compare answers with your partner. Templates like this one are great.
28. If there were Sex Awards, what category would you win in?
Like the Olympics, but for sex. Let them make their case for why they should take home the gold for Best Dirty Talker or Hottest Head Game.
29. If there were Sex Awards, what category would *I* win in?
Now let them honor your skills.
30. What’s the number-one thing on your sexual bucket list?
This one pretty much cuts to the chase! If they only had a year to live, what’s the one sex thing they’d have to cross off the list? In addition to providing insight into what is probably one of their biggest fantasies at the moment, this question can also get your person thinking about why they haven’t done it yet, and maybe how the two of you can check it off their list together.
31. What’s your opinion on monogamy versus open relationships?
Okay sure, this isn’t a sex sex question per se, but it is important to clarify with someone you’re either hooking up with or wanting to hook up with. Depending on what you’re looking for, you may prefer one relationship style over the other.
32. What do you think about incorporating sex toys into our sex routine?
How do they feel about it? Have they ever done it before? What toys have they used before? What toys would they like to use in the future? The questions are honestly endless here. But let me just clarify that sex toys are friends, not enemies. If you need a sex toy to help you orgasm during partnered sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you should not be made to feel bad because of it. They’re also a great way to mix up the monotony of sex in general.
33. Do you like it when I take charge?
This is a solid way to learn your partner’s wants, plus, it lets you tread gently into the submissive, dominant, switch conversation.
34. How do you want me to make you feel when I’m seducing you/initiating sex?
This may seem a little obvious—uh, they probably want to feel horny, duh—but there’s a lot more to feeling turned on than just, well, feeling turned on. According to O’Reilly, this question can help you and your partner better understand something called your “core erotic feeling.” Basically, this is the feeling that helps you most get in the mood for sex. What do you need to feel turned on and in the mood? For some people, feeling safe is the key to feeling ready for sex. Others need to feel loved or romantically excited. Some people are most in the mood when they feel powerful, or desired. “This erotic-emotional connection is often the most important element of seduction and getting in the mood for sex,” says O’Reilly. “Your core erotic feeling lays the groundwork for creating desire.”
35. Would you rather only have oral sex for the rest of your life or only have anal sex for the rest of your life?
This one’s purely hypothetical, obviously. But bringing a little Would You Rather action into the mix levels up the fun while also getting to the bottom of where their sexual loyalties lie.
36. What’s one thing I do that drives you wild?
Literally show me something better than your partner telling you about some random, seemingly trivial thing you do in bed (or even just in your day-to-day existence) that turns them into a helplessly horny puddle.
37. How do you feel in your hottest fantasies?
Once you’ve figured out what feelings help your partner get turned on, it can be fun to explore how they feel ~in the moment~. “This question allows you to explore your elevated erotic feelings—the emotions that make sexual pleasure more intense,” says O’Reilly. “Perhaps you get really turned on when you feel irresistible? Perhaps pleasure peaks when you feel submissive? Or perhaps you get off on feeling a sense of fear or degradation?” Your elevated erotic feelings can change all the time, which makes this a fun question to return to again and again.
38. I’d like to start sexting you when I’m horny and miss you, would you be into that?
Some people are, some people aren’t, but it’s better to have a conversation with your person about it before spontaneously sending them a dirty text at 2 p.m. on a Monday, only to be left on read. Plus, you can go over whether sexting each other during work or school is fair game.
39. I want to send you a nude photo, how do you feel about that?
This goes hand-in-hand with the whole sexting thing. Before sending a nude photo, ask your partner if they’re comfortable receiving and/or sending them. If they are, discuss what your expectation is when they receive that nude photo: Do you want them to immediately delete it? Are you okay with them keeping it saved in their camera? Will you only use Snapchat to exchange nude photos?
40. Have you ever watched porn that looks like me?
Hi, yes, it’s a thing.
41. What’s the last thing you searched for on your porn platform of choice?
Exchanging search histories is, like, 7th base. If your person is game to clue you in, you’ve unlocked a new level of intimacy for sure.
42. How do you like touching yourself?
Who knows how to please you better than…you? So getting to know how your partner practices solo sex is a great way to learn what they like. Plus, you can then use those techniques on them later.
43. What’s a fantasy that you’ve always been curious about?
Let’s be clear: Just because someone has a certain fantasy does not mean they want to go there in real life, says Angie Rowntree, founder of Sssh.com. “However, by framing the question in this way, you allow your partner to be vulnerable and see where they genuinely want to explore,” she says.
“If you both feel safe talking about things you want to explore, you can avoid getting ‘stuck in a rut’ and keep things fun and fresh. Vulnerability and honest communication allow you to bond on a deeper level, no matter what you end up doing or not doing.”
44. Thoughts on butt stuff?
Aside from establishing consent, asking this question can potentially take your and your partner’s sex life to a whole new level. (Like, hello, butt plugs.)
45. Who’s your dream celebrity fuck?
Talking about an unattainable fuck is a fun way to turn your partner on without all the dramatics of jealousy getting involved. If talking about Idris Elba turns them on, (hi, it’s me) why not use it to your advantage?
46. What’s your pubic hair preference?
Not that it matters, obvs. Your pubic hair is yours to do with as you please and your partner’s preference should hold no sway over your grooming routine. Still, it can be hot to hear about the things they find hot and why. I’ve been religiously hairless since hitting puberty, but I once hooked up with a guy who had a thing for a full bush (we love a throwback!) and it was actually super interesting and kinda sexy to hear him talk about it, NGL.
47. Thoughts on incorporating food into sex play?
The whole whipped cream thing is a super common fantasy, obvs, but there are all kinds of ways to get down, dirty, and delicious with food in the bedroom—if you’re both into that kind of thing.
48. How do you feel about 69ing?
I mean, it’s one of the most divisive positions out there. Love it or hate it, this one’s bound to start a conversation.
49. What’s your preferred 69 position?
Yes, there’s more than one way to do it.
50. What’s your favorite time of day to have sex?
Ah, the age-old question: morning sex or night sex? But it’s a classic for a reason! People often have strong opinions about this one, and usually some fun experiences to back them up. Talking about these preferences can also help you figure out the best time to initiate sex with your partner, and help you two map out your ideal sexual schedule.
51. What’s your ideal role play scenario?
Asking your partner about role playing could open up a whole new world of hot sex ideas for you two. Are they a professor-student type of person? A strangers-meet-at-the-bar type of person? Either way, discussing your role play fantasies can lead to legit fantasies coming true.
52. Where’s the wildest place you’ve had sex?
Is it somewhere a little more low-stakes like a car? Or somewhere super risky like a movie theatre?
53. What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?
Sure, not everyone is a verified kinkster, but even the more vanilla among us have had their moments. Kink is relative, and almost every sex-having human has a moment in their sexual history that stands out as kinkier than the rest.
54. What makes you feel safe with a sex partner?
This is such an important (and honestly very sweet, IMO) thing to discuss with anyone you’re having sex with. Feeling safe and secure with a partner is a crucial part of healthy, fulfilling sex, so figuring out how you and your partner can co-create that environment for each other is one of the very best things you can do for your sex life.
55. Do you get horny when you’re sick?
Yes, the sick hornies are a thing, folks.
56. How often do you have sex dreams?
If we’re being honest here, someone’s sex dreams probably don’t tell you all that much about their subconscious erotic desires. As dream psychologist Lauri Loewenberg previously told Cosmo, “Most often, sex dreams aren’t about a physical union we want but more about a psychological union we need.” In other words, sex dreams tend to have hidden meanings that often have little to nothing to do with sex at all. But, hey, they can still be fun to talk about, especially with someone you are having “physical unions” with IRL.
57. Have you ever had a sex dream about me?
Again, not that it necessarily tells you anything about the innermost corners of their horny heart…but also, yes, duh, ofc you’re dying to know!
58. Do you like the way you taste?
I mean, personally, one of my favorite moves is when a guy puts a finger in me and makes me taste it afterward. Definitely getting turned on just thinking about it.
59. What type of porn do you like to watch?
“This will often give you insight into their fantasy themes and turn-ons without requiring them to create it for themselves,” says Stefani Goerlich, LMSW.
60. How would you feel about watching porn together?
ICYMI, watching porn together as a couple can be eye-opening in terms of learning and exploring what you both like and don’t like in bed. Swapping your evening Netflix routine for some more ~adult~ programming can open up the door to conversations about fantasies and boundaries, and those conversations all start with this question.
61. What’s the first video/kind of porn you would want to show me?
You show each other your favorite TV shows, so why wouldn’t you want to share your favorite porn? Chances are, your partner already has something in mind that they want to show you.
62. What’s one thing you wish you knew about sex before you started having it?
Yes, sure, our evolution as sexual beings is a beautiful journey, blah blah. But frankly, there are some things it would’ve been nice to know beforehand without having to learn through first-hand mistakes experience.
63. Want to take this BDSM quiz and compare results?
It’s a super easy way to figure out where your respective kinks lie, and the results may surprise you! (Take it from me, someone who recently learned she is, uh, 78% brat.)
64. Socks on or off during sex?
Some people swear by keeping them on (it’s rumored—with some smattering of actual evidence—to increase orgasms) and others are fully weirded out by the idea. Discuss!
65. If this were the last time we could ever have sex, what would you want to do?
This one is a close cousin of the Bucket List Q, but a little more personal to *your* sex life together. Would they want to go out on a limb and do something super kinky or have deep, romantic farewell sex? (Or maybe…both?)
66. When do you feel your sexiest?
Whether it’s a wax and spa day or maybe when they’re showering, talking about their sexiest moments can put them in that moment. Plus, asking this can help you determine what times are best to initiate sex.
67. Thoughts on dirty talk?
Before you jump right into calling someone (or yourself) “daddy,” it could be helpful to gauge how your partner feels about dirty talk. If they’re for it, this question could lead to some pretty hot rapport.
68. What words and phrases turn you on?
Okay, yes, dirty talk can be pretty hot. But what constitutes good dirty talk can vary significantly from person to person. “Sharing specific words and phrases that turn you on or turn you off can help guide your lover in enticing your auditory side,” says O’Reilly.
69. What words and phrases turn you off?
By that same token, one person’s “OMG yes” is another person’s ick. (Again, see: “Daddy.”) Something you might find super hot could end up being a total vibe-killer. Best to check in before you casually bust out the “Yes, Chef.”
70. What do you think about when you masturbate?
“Asking this question gives you insight into what they focus on during partnered sex too,” says Goerlich. Are they imagining a specific scenario? Are they concentrating on the physical sensations they’re experiencing? Are they thinking about you? Knowing where their brain goes when they’re having solo sex can be a great bit of insight for you to have when you’re having sex together, too.”
71. Do you like what you see?
This is a solid question to ask because, hopefully, the answer is a given. “It prompts a response that is easy to repeat and doesn’t take a whole lot to think about,” says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand. “You don’t want to be thinking too much because you want to be present and, most importantly, thinking about the pleasure that your body is going to receive.”
72. What’s a kink you’ve always wanted to try, but were too afraid to?
“The more forbidden something is, the more likely we are to be turned on by it,” Goerlich says. “Often, people are ashamed of their fantasies, because our fantasies are rarely PC. Asking the question this way gives you insight into their potentially ‘naughty’ desires while offering them the safety of keeping it firmly in the realm of fantasy.”
Oh, and for the record, nothing is “taboo” or off limits if it gives you pleasure and is done consensually.
73. Which astrological sign do you have the best sex with?
Even though we all know the answer is Cancers.
74. What do you think it means to be good in bed?
It means something different to everybody, and at the end of the day, it’s rarely all about technical skills. Are they team GGG? Are they looking for enthusiasm above all else? Kinkiness? There are so many ways to be “good in bed,” friends.
75. What’s your favorite part of my body?
Yes, obviously someone who’s truly into you is probably turned on by just about every square inch of your skin, but it never hurts to give them a chance to shine a spotlight on your very *best* features.
76. Do you like lingerie?
And if the answer is yes, it’s a perfect opportunity to treat them to a little fashion show, and/or do some aspirational window shopping together.
77. Would you want to go to a strip club together?
Hear me out: hitting up a strip club is one of the sexiest dates you can go on with someone you’re hooking up with (or want to be hooking up with). It’s fun, it’s sexy, and it’s an incredible way to get all turned on together—then bring all that horny energy home with you, ofc.
78. Do you read erotica?
If the answer is yes, ask them for some recs. If the answer is no, hit ’em with some of our top picks and suggest the two of you start a little horny book club.
79. Would you consider yourself more dominant or submissive?
Even if you haven’t gone down the BDSM road, you can still talk about playing roles while in bed. If your partner tells you they’re more dominant or submissive, you can start incorporating that into sex. Or even the opposite: switch things up to keep things exciting.
80. What’s the sexiest book you’ve read?
Books—including the dirty ones—will tell you literally everything you need to know about someone.
81. What makes you feel good?
“Asking about what evokes a specific physical response in them, instead of about what kind of specific action they enjoy, opens up lots of doors to explore new ways to elicit that same reaction in the future,” says Goerlich.
82. What’s your favorite sex memory of us?
If you’ve had sex with this person already, reliving some of your best sex moments can put both you and your partner into a sexy mood. Was it the time you snuck away from a family event for a quick tryst? Or was it the time you both woke up ready for some morning sex? Either way, even just talking about it can get you two hot.
83. What’s your favorite sex memory that doesn’t include me?
Listen, if you know you’re not going to enjoy hearing about great sex your partner had with someone who isn’t you, then go ahead and skip this one. No need to invite unnecessary jealousy and drama into the chat! But if you are game to get into the hot and heavy details of your partner’s sexual past, (or present, if you’re non-monogamous) this can be a great way to learn more about what turns them on, and maybe pick up a few tips along the way
84. Thoughts on feet stuff?
Who among us has not, at one point or another, dabbled in some toe-sucking?
85. Do you ever think about me when you touch yourself?
The answer is almost definitely yes and if they say no, they’re probably lying. (But literally why would they lie? Telling someone you jerk off to them is the ultimate compliment, IMO.)
86. What’s the sexiest smell?
Personally, I have a weird thing for truffles. If I smell truffle fries from across the restaurant I’m ready to get the check and get railed ASAP. Just me? That’s fine. But trust, almost everyone has some smell—vanilla, a favorite perfume, whatever—that just does it for them.
87. If you were going to strip for me, what song would you strip to?
We all have that one song that brings out the inner stripper in us.
88. What do you think is the kinkiest thing we’ve ever done together?
The answer here obviously depends entirely on, well, how kinky you two are. But even if most of your sex has been on the vanilla side, there’s gotta be at least one experience you’ve shared that stands out as a bit off the beaten track.
89. Do you remember the first time you ever felt horny?
I mean, some of us were born horny. But most of us have at least a few core, early-horn memories that made us who we are today.
90. Do you like when I leave marks on you?
This one is important! Before you go scratching or sucking or biting in such a way that might leave your mark on them, check in and make sure that’s something they’d actually be into. Some people love it, and others would prefer you return them in pristine condition.
91. Do you enjoy leaving marks on me?
Personally, I’m super into getting hickeys, but I usually have to ask for them because, alas, most people abandon the fine art of the hickey after high school.
92. Do you want to try a new position?
There’s nothing like trying something new to add a layer of sexiness to your next romp. If you’ve exhausted doggy style, you can always try something totally different. Might any of these positions work?
93. What songs are on your sex playlist?
This question will give an idea of what type of music your partner likes to get it on to. You can also steal these answers for the next sex playlist you make for the both of you.
94. Do you like when I take you in deep or when you take me in deep?
“For anyone that likes penetration, this is a great way to step into your pleasure,” Stewart says. “Not only does this question give you and your lover a visual, but it helps foster daydreams that get your imagination flowing about what you can do when your (or your lover’s) legs or ass are spread open.”
95. What’s your favorite place to be kissed?
Talking about sexual preferences can be a great way to figure out instructions for yourself in bed. Like, if they say they like to be kissed on their neck, kiss them on the neck…
96. What’s your favorite sex toy?
Whether it’s a solo toy or something to use together, learning about what sex toys your partner likes can help you two figure out ways to incorporate them into sex together.
97. How does this feel? Is this okay?
“It’s important to not only establish consent but also to check in with your partner for feedback,” says Rowntree. “You definitely want to encourage [them] to share with you the things [they] enjoy and frame it in a positive light with the potential for reciprocity. This way you can go beyond mere consent and open yourselves up to greater transparency and trust as you learn what your partner enjoys.”
98. What’s one sex act you wish you could do again for the first time?
Generally speaking, sex tends to get better the more we do it. But sometimes, there’s just nothing like the thrill of a sexual first. Unlocking some super sexy memory about how hot it was the first time your partner tried anal (or had a threesome or used a sex toy, etc.,) can lead to hours of erotic reminiscing.
99. What’s one sex act you never want to do again?
We all have those sex acts we fall for at first fuck, and then we have our one-and-dones. Not only can knowing your partner’s biggest been-there-done-that-never-again sexual experience introduce you to some of their boundaries, but it can also help you understand why they don’t like the things they’re not into.
100. Who would be in your perfect orgy?
What better way to spend a lazy day in bed than drafting your dream orgy together as a couple?
101. How many people would you feel comfortable having sex with at once?
Speaking of orgies, how does your partner really feel about group sex? For some people, three’s a crowd. For others, the limit does not exist.
102. Would you ever make a sex tape?
FWIW, this doesn’t mean you have to make one. But the idea of being filmed (for your eyes only, of course) can be a real turn on for some people. Talking about what you’d include in your sex tape might even put you two in the mood to make one.
103. What’s your favorite place to have sex?
Maybe it’s the shower, the couch, or on the beach. Either way, talking about your favorite sex spots can show you where your partner feels most comfortable getting it on.
104. Do you like being spanked?
Some people like it rough and some people don’t, but you won’t know your partner’s preferences until you ask. Even if you think it is something they’re into, you should always check with them before.
105. Do you prefer giving head or getting head?
Some people are natural givers and some people are natural receivers. Both are okay. But talking about which your partner prefers can help you learn where they stand on the topic of oral sex in general.
106. Do you like it when I touch you there?
“Provided that you already have established [consent], saying this sentence in a low, soft, deep tone, while you gracefully trace their genitals, is a great question to ask,” Stewart advises. “It’s seductive and it implies that you want to move forward to something that involves the body part that you are referring to.”
107. What’s been your hottest sex dream?
When you talk about sex dreams, you can not only learn about your partner’s subconscious sex fantasies, but you can make their dreams a reality. Just don’t get jealous if the dream is about someone or something else.
108. What character are you most attracted to and why?
We all have our fictional crushes, and sharing them can be a low-pressure way to find out more about what someone is into—especially for people who may feel nervous talking about sex that doesn’t involve their partner. “Talking about a fictional third party can provide a glimpse into what excites you,” says O’Reilly. “If you discuss what draws you to a character on television or in a novel, you can offer your partner new insights on how they can tease, excite, seduce, and pleasure you.”
109. What part of your body is craving more attention?
In case you haven’t heard, basically any body part can be an erogenous zone. And, as ob-gyn Constants Adams, MD, previously told Cosmopolitan, new ones can pop up all the time. It’s never a bad time to check in with your partner about any new hot spots that could be in need of a little TLC.
110. What do you remember most about your first sexual experience?
Obviously you should alway exercise caution when asking about someone’s sexual past. But early sexual experiences can be pretty formative, so talking about them can help you bond as partners, and learn a lot about how you grew into your current versions of your sexual selves.
111. Do you prefer to initiate, or do you like when I take the lead?
Some of us are born initiators, some of us just want to be pursued, and others like to mix it up depending on the vibe! Knowing which way your partner leans is obviously huge when it comes to building a compatible sex life together. That said, you should never assume your partner has one set preference. Maybe they usually like to initiate, but actually they’ve been wanting you to take the reins lately. You might not know unless you ask!
112. What’s the most underrated sex position?
My fellow missionary apologists to the front, please! It’s no secret that certain sex positions tend to get a bad rap as boring or unnecessarily difficult or whatever, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their fans! Invite your partner to give an impassioned defense of their unfairly maligned fav and let the debate begin.
113. What’s the most overrated sex position?
We all have that one position that everyone else seems to rave about that just doesn’t do it for us. (*Cough* doggy. Sorry not sorry.) These questions are way more fun than the standard “What’s your favorite/least favorite position?” because they set the stage for more honesty, (you’re literally inviting them to go against the grain here) and, yes, maybe even some healthy debate.
114. What’s one thing you never thought you’d be into that turns you on now?
Friends, there was a time when I thought I’d never want to give a blow job. To be fair, I was like 11. Regardless, suffice to say I’ve since changed my mind. Our sexual preferences, boundaries and turn-ons are constantly evolving. Asking about something that was once a hard no and has since turned into a yes (or even just a maybe!) can help you tap into that evolution.
115. What’s your favorite sex scene from a movie or TV show?
Sometimes sex scenes from movies or TV shows are honestly better than porn. (Yes, hi, obviously talking about Bridgerton.) Allow your favorite big-screen big-Os to inspire a horny movie marathon, or maybe even a little Regency-Era role play.
116. Have you ever been to a sex club/sex party?
Sex clubs may have been ultra-secretive, underground events back in the day, but these days the sex party scene is practically mainstream. There’s a non-zero chance your partner has been to one, and even if they haven’t, this is a good opportunity to ask if it’s something they’d ever be interested in.
117. What’s something you feel you’ve gotten better at sexually?
There’s always room for improvement! Whether it’s mastering a specific sex act, getting better at feeling centered in our bodies, or practicing enthusiastic consent, there are all kinds of sexual skills—physical and otherwise—that we’re constantly sharpening. Why not give your partner a chance to congratulate themselves on a job well done?
118. What’s a sexual encounter you wish you could have again?
Once again, not a great question if you’re the jealous type. But if you’re down to hear about a particularly hot sexual rendezvous from their past that may or may not include you, a little reminiscing can be hot for you both.
119. What do you think makes you so great in bed?
Go ahead, let them flex a little. Sure, you can tell them how great they are in bed all day long, but every now and then, we all appreciate a little room to applaud ourselves. Not to mention, finding out what your partner is most proud of in bed can help you figure out how to make them feel most confident.
120. When do you feel most sexually confident? How can I support you?
And, speaking of confidence, it’s a great thing to have in the bedroom. That said, “It’s not your job to ensure that your partner feels confident,” says O’Reilly. “But if you can be a part of the supportive process, you’ll likely both get more of what you want when it comes to connection, pleasure and sex.”
121. What makes great sex great?
Hate to break it to you, but there’s no one, tried-and-true formula for good sex. For some people, it’s all about enthusiasm. For others, good sex isn’t good sex without emotional intimacy, and for others it all comes down to nailing the big finish, if you know what I mean.
122. What does having an orgasm feel like to you?
Sure, an orgasm is an orgasm. If you’ve had one, you know what it feels like. But everyone experiences that pleasure peak in a different way, and it can be fascinating to hear other people describe their own Big O moments.
123. How do you feel when I have an orgasm?
Does it push them over the edge? Do they feel happy? Proud? Horny? Excited for you? Are you guys so in sync that they feel your orgasm as their own? All of the above???
124. How would you feel about scheduling sex?
Like, on your literal G-Cals? (For the record, we enthusiastically endorse it.)
125. Wanna smash?
Hey, never hurts to ask, right?
Syeda is a writer for Cosmopolitan who likes to analyze and improve the way we look at sex as a way to topple the patriarchy. She also writes for Bustle.com, Muslim Girl, and Muslim.co. You can follow her on Twitter here and Instagram here.
Associate Sex & Relationships Editor
Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is the Associate Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan, where she covers all things sex, love, dating, and relationships • She lives in Astoria, Queens and probably won’t stop talking about how great it is if you bring it up • Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.